And so my dream was coming true to carry a child in my tummy… We were chosen to be the family who would hopefully get to be the parents of these sweet embryos. When most people look at embryo pictures, they see a few blobs but the day that I saw them for the first time, I could only imagine sweet little babies within… Its kind of like ultrasound pictures, when we saw our JJ on the ultrasound and then got the pictures, we could see this beautiful little face and when showing everyone else, they saw nothing. Its like I just wanted to hold them in my hands, warm them up and keep them safe, but I knew that they needed to be kept nice and cold to have a chance…

Our donor family chose us and for that we are forever grateful as I mentioned in another post. I used to think that people were silly for saying things happen for a reason, or whats meant to be will be… Well when our donor family chose us, I got an overwhelming feeling that this was the one, this was the one that was going to help me achieve my dream of carrying a child. Our families seemed so in sync even though we had never met. Our Donor mom and I had never met but we seemed alike in so many ways. We shared things about ourselves over the first few weeks of knowing each other and it felt so right. Our donors wanted an open relationship with the family they would be donating their embryos to and we were also wanting an open relationship. Just as our domestic adoption, we feel that it is so important for children to know where they came from, in any situation. There are children in our donors family that would be siblings to any resulting children with these embryos and we feel like it would be doing the children such a disservice by not allowing them to have a relationship with each other when they choose. We knew that we would be the parents of these precious embryos but that they had genetic connection with another family. This family has turned out to be such a blessing in our lives. Donor mom and I text on a regular basis, send emails when we can, and look forward to meeting in person in the near future. When she and I first started texting we found some really crazy similarities! Donor mom and I have birthdays one day apart, this was so neat because I felt like on an astrological side we would get each other. We both share the condition Premature Ovarian Failure and that is comforting as she would know what I was going through on a different level. One of the craziest things is that our JJ’s birth mom and our donor mom have the same first and middle names. She and I were both shocked when we found this out. I don’t have a relationship with JJ’s birth mom but had wanted one and the fact that our donor mom shares the same name, FIRST AND MIDDLE, was another “meant to be” moment. Donor mom also lives in a town with the same name as a town that I grew up in, the towns aren’t the same but because they have the same name, it was another “meant to be” moment! I know those are such silly little things, but they are some of what make it seem so right… Our donor mom is an amazing woman whom I respect and look up to. She is so very smart, and in R&D, which has been so helpful going through the whole IVF process. We often text about one day sharing our families with each other, having a glass of wine together, and walking down the beach talking together. Before the last transfer, our donor mom sent me a beautiful package with so much wonderful stuff in it. There was a pineapple shaped little dish, a bracelet of hope, chocolate, a little blanket, a picture frame, pineapple gum etc… She is truly a gift and I was so surprised to have gotten this from her. I wear the bracelet she got me every single day. We think our husbands would get along great once they come out of their shells and that our children would also get along so well. So, we can’t wait to see that unfold. We would like to give them a gift of thanks, but I have had such a hard time coming up with what I think is perfect…. Nothing seems good enough, so for now, I try and let them know our thanks and one day soon will give them something to cherish.

So back to the embryos- We had 4 beautifully graded, genetically tested and perfect embryos. Unfortunately, we transferred the one and only girl

in July and after a grueling  2ww, we learned that I got a BFN (big fat negative)! While this was devistating news, it didn’t take me long to keep going (this will be in another post). The fact that we have these 3 embryos left means that the train isn’t stopping. I still grieve the loss of the one and only girl embryo but also know that there is a reason that sweet embaby didn’t make it. I honestly feel that our JJ is supposed to be our only girl.

So, soon we will transfer a day 6 genetically tested graded AA fully hatched boy embryo.

This time around has been different. I feel scared and excited all in one. I don’t know how I will keep going if this embryo doesn’t make it and it will open a big basket of questions and some changes to our protocol. But for now, I’m trying to stay positive. I know that sometimes there is a learning process and I feel my last transfer was that. I have learned that I need to take care of myself, take care of the body that will be carrying the sweet embryo for the next 9 months. I plan to have several relaxing days after my transfer and do all the things that I didn’t do last time.

I love our embryos, I love our donors and I feel so blessed and so thankful to have the opportunity to get to this point. As I’ve said before, my whole life I wanted to be a mom, and with JJ I got that, and wouldn’t change it for anything. But there was still something I yearned for and that was to be pregnant. I want to feel those feelings, I want to go through all the motions of carrying the little person in my womb, and I will, soon…

Thats it for now! Love ya!